Verotika (2019)

This is authentically terrible.  Written and directed by hardcore musical legend (allegedly) Glen Danzig and drawing on stories and visual stylings of the verotik magazine established by hardcore publishing legend (very allegedly) Glen Danzig, this reeks of being a vanity project with a lot more vanity than project.  It just sucks, on any level.

Now, if I say there all the stories are seedy, gory and rank with nudity, this will give entirely the wrong idea of what we are dealing with here.  It does not suck because it is morally repugnant.  It sucks because it sucks.

It's just not good film making.  It isn't even good bad film making, or good nasty film making.    Perhaps calling it bad film making is being too generous.  It's just bad.

The film comes in three part, each a brief half hour that is made to feel endless by the plodding inanity.  In the first part - a prostitute with eyes for nipples (why?) gets upset when a client is less than thrilled by her baby blue peeking up at him from her ample bust and cuts short their tryst.

Eye-boobs, I tell you!

Her eye-boobs cry, the tear falls onto a spider, then  - oh, why the hell not? - this somehow turns the spider into a monster who kills women, for reasons that aren't clear and frankly don't matter because it's all nonsense anyway.  Eye-boobs, I tell you!

In the second part a woman called Mystery Girl kills other women by cutting their faces off so she can wear them when she dances at a strip club. Lots of strippers gyrate while looking bored. 

The Mystery Girl doesn't leave much mystery to the imagination

A policeman chases her for a bit, and vows to catch her, then doesn't.  At least here you sense there was a vague idea for a story, albeit poorly realised in all aspects.  And in spite of the female flesh on display, its about as titillating as soggy leftover trifle.  I know some might want it, but most of us will just look at it with indifference bordering on repulsion.

The third part is a tepid Countess Bathory rejig.  And evil countess kills a pretty girl to bathe in her blood. Then another. Then another. Then she talks to a wolf for a bit. Then she kills another pretty girl and sometimes does cannibalism instead of just wallowing in their blood.  

The Countess enjoys a hearty meal

Then it ends, after what feels like several life times.  There is a lot of blood and boobs, but by this stage you are so bored it simply washes over you.

These summaries are far better than the films they describe. Trust me, none of these inept pieces of anti-cinema is worth your time. Just take my word for it, don't think they might be better than I am making out. They aren't.  If you lust for sex or nudity, you can find far better elsewhere.  You'd be pressed to find worse.  If you hunger for gore, there is better gore to be had.  If you want a luagh, don't make the mistake of thinking this dire mess is laughable.  It really, truly is not funny.  It's very, very rare that 'so bad it's good'  is actually true and it certainly isn't here.

The whole sorry smorgasbord of incompetence is presented at a glacial pace, with terrible try-hard attempts at style, with weird lighting and colour, and what someone somewhere probably thinks are arresting visuals.

"But there is over-the-top lighting and a hot chick looking distraught ... that's art, isn't it?"

But its so banal, trite, dull and all dreadfully done on every level - the writing, the acting, the camera work, everything - that your eye-boobs weep copious tears at the though of all this wasted ... no, not talent ... time ... that went into making this sorry mess of nonsense, and that you wasted watching it.

Avoid, no matter how low your expectations or standards, and no matter how dishonourable your motives.

No Stars